Some Warning Signs of an Abusive

Adapted from Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?”

• • He/she speaks disrespectfully about their former partners.
  • He/she is disrespectful toward you.
  • He/she does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you feel uncomfortable.
  • He/she is controlling.
  • He/she is possessive.
  • Nothing is ever his/her fault.
  • He/she is self-centered.
  • He/she abuses drugs or alcohol.
  • He/she pressures you for sex or coerces you until you give in, or may even rape you.
  • He/she gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
  • He/she intimidates you when he is angry.
  • He/she has double standards.
  • He/she has negative attitudes toward the other gender.
  • He/she treats you differently around other people.
  • He/she appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
  • He/she has an attitude that they are superior.
  • If it is a man, believes in the inferiority of women.
  • The following are used by males against females in Spiritual abuse.
    • He appears religious and tells you how to correctly interpret Scripture and sermons. Belittles your ideas, thoughts, feelings and interpretations.
    • Misuses Biblical teachings regarding a “women’s place” to reinforce abusive behaviors.
    • He believes men and women are not equals and uses Scripture to “prove it.”

Other Signs of Abuse

• • He/she retaliates against you for complaining about his/her behavior.
  • He/she tells you that your objections to their mistreatment are your own problem.
  • He/she gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and they demand that you accept them.
  • He/she blames you for the impact of their behavior.
  • It’s never the right time, or the right way, to bring up things.
  • He/she undermines your progress in life.
  • He/she justifies their hurtful or frightening acts or says that you “made” them do it.
  • He/she touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways.
  • His/her controlling, disrespectful or degrading behavior is a pattern.
  • You show signs of being abused
    • you are afraid of him/her or are frightened by their temper
    • you are often compliant because you are afraid of their anger
    • you have the urge to rescue them when they are troubled
    • you find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for their behavior when you are treated badly
    • you make decisions about activities and friends based on your significant other’s wishes or how they will react
    • you are getting distant from family and friends
    • your level of energy and motivation is declining
    • your self-opinion is declining, and you are always fighting to be good enough
    • you feel like you can’t do anything right
    • you feel like the problems in the relationship are all you fault
    • you leave arguments feeling like you’ve been messed with, but can’t figure it out or explain why.
    • You feel inferior as a Christian and that you need to try harder
    • You have been hit, pushed, shoved, had things thrown at you or your things broken on purpose
    • You drink or use drugs to numb the pain or to be able to handle things at home