Adapted from Lundy Bancroft “Why Does He Do That?”

Although it is written as the abusive person is a male, we realize that men can also be victimized by abuse)

• He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
• He is disrespectful toward you.
• He does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it  

         makes you feel uncomfortable.
• He is controlling.
• He is possessive.
• Nothing is ever his fault.
• He is self-centered.
• He abuses drugs or alcohol.
• He pressures you for sex.
• He gets serious too quickly about the relationship.
• He intimidates you when he is angry.
• He has double standards.
• He has negative attitudes toward women.
• He treats you differently around other people.
• He appears to be attracted to vulnerability.
• He appears religious and tells you how to correctly interpret Scripture and sermons.
• He has an attitude that he is superior and uses Biblical teachings to reinforce this belief.
• He believes men and women are not equals.

Other signs of abuse:

• He retaliates against you for complaining about his behavior.
• He tells you that your objections to his mistreatment are your own problem.
• He gives apologies that sound insincere or angry, and he demands that you accept them.
• He blames you for the impact of his behavior.
• It’s never the right time, or the right way, to bring up things.
• He undermines your progress in life.
• He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that you made him do it.
• He touches you in anger or puts you in fear in other ways.
• He coerces you into having sex or sexually assaults you.
• His controlling, disrespectful, or degrading behavior is a pattern.
• You show signs of being abused:
       - you are afraid of him or are frightened by his temper
       - you are often compliant because you are afraid of your partner’s anger
       - you have the urge to rescue your partner when he is troubled
       - you find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner’s behavior when you 

                are treated badly
       -  you make decisions about activities and friends based on your partner’s wishes or how

                he will react
       - you are getting distant from family and friends
       - your level of energy and motivation is declining
       - your self opinion is declining, and you are always fighting to be good enough
       - you feel like you can’t do anything right
       - you feel like the problems in the relationship are all you fault
       - you leave arguments feeling like you’ve been messed with, but can’t figure it out or     

              explain why.
       - you feel inferior as a Christian and that you need to try harder
       - you have been hit, pushed, shoved, had things thrown at you or your things broken on 

              purpose, kept from leaving a room or using the phone
       -  you drink or use drugs to numb the pain or to be able to handle things at home

 

If you are experiencing any of these or your partner shows any signs of the above (not just a single incident, but it is a pattern of behavior), it may be time to speak with someone to determine if you are in an abuisive relationship.